I wish I was a fearless mama

Sometimes, life gets the best of you in ways you can’t explain. And sometimes, it snatches you by the arms and shakes you until you slowly think, ” I just can’t do this”.

It’s one of those nights for me. I know this is completely stupid and I’m probably out of my mind for even allowing this thought to pop into my head, but sometimes I wonder if my son loves me. Or if I make him sick at times…

Crazy, huh? lol He’s only 10 months old(as of today), so he can’t say “I love you, Mommy” just yet. My whole life, I’ve gone on assuming that I’m just a waste of space to some people who know me…

I suffered from severe depression when I was in my first trimester with my son. Thankfully, it passed as soon as I got into my sec tri.

But I’m thinking that maybe I have PP depression. Not the FULL thing, but just a little. Here and there, I have my moments where I doubt myself as a human and more importantly, I doubt myself as a mother.

I am a responsible mother, a great one at that. But I can’t help to wonder, “am I doing something wrong? Am I really good enough?”

I left an emotionally abusive ex…I used to and still do, think that I deserved everything he spewed at me. That is really WAS my fault he and everyone got mad or upset with me…You could say I was brainwashed back then. And I’m just NOW starting to see the truth of what really happened. And this was a year ago.

I just…I hate doubting myself because I’ll never get anywhere in life by doubting myself. I feel like I am not good enough for anyone. Then again; this IS just my hormones talking. I can admit, that no matter how bad or crappy I am feeling, I’m always smiling. Even if I don’t feel like it. I want to be remembered as the girl who always had a smile on her face, even though deep down, she was breaking into millions of pieces.

I don’t know, I’m sure tomorrow night will be better than tonight…

At least, I hope…

x.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s