Where did my teenage years go?

I’ll admit, I was that girl who was completely and 100% jealous and envious of those girls who were allowed to go over to sleepovers and go to the beach with their friends. Unlike most girls who get to enjoy being a teenager, I was never allowed to go to the  beach with my friends. Granted, every single summer, they would ask and beg me to come. Lord only knows how bad I wanted to go with them. Yes, you could say that before I got pregnant, I never was able to be an actual teenager. Never really went to the beach, out with friends. Even now, I’m almost 20 and I still can’t take my son on walks by myself, let alone, take him out with me by myself. I’m an adult, but I certainly don’t feel like one. Or like a mother, to be frank. I’m not being selfish, I’m not saying I want to leave my son home and go out and act like a complete idiot and drink and sleep with every guy I see. God, I wish I had enjoyed my teen years. I wish I was ALLOWED to enjoy being a teenager. But, I’m a mother now, so all the fun other teens are having, I’m not having. I’m OKAY with that. I regret I didn’t make the most of being young, but the past is in the past and I can’t do anything about it. Expect to make sure my son and future kids enjoy being young. I don’t want them to ever feel like an outcast or abnormal. I want them to look back when they are old and tell their kids what they used to do. Now, that’s not saying I’m going to allow them to be wild and stupid. Just that I’m not going to be fast at denying them a little innocent fun…

I was bullied, picked on, and singled out pretty much my whole entire life. Even in my teens when I DID have friends. Because I spent most of my time at home, I didn’t know how to act around people. My laugh was obnoxious and laughed. My friends would look at me weird when I laughed, so I stopped laughing. I stopped being ME. And that’s not something I want my kids to ever do.

 

I’m almost 20, and I don’t have out with people, I don’t really have friends. Why? Because it’s better that way. All the friends I do have, live out of state, are hours from me. I’m okay with that, I have two best friends and that’s all I need.

 

I just really regret not breaking out of that box I was shoved in by outsiders, and being my true self. A careless, HAPPY, cheerful teenage girl.

Probably explains why I was always so reckless with my ex-, my son’s father. I finally had that freedom. I stayed out all day and night. I started drinking and smoking(cigarettes, never weed. I don’t do drugs). I didn’t care what anyone thought. Because I spent half of my life trying to please other people, I didn’t really know who I was or what I was becoming. I made the mistake of drinking when I was around 1wk-4wks or 5wks. I didn’t find out I was pregnant until I was 7wls going on 8wks. My periods had been irregular for a few months and when I DID get a period, it was actually implantation bleeding. Which explains why I ignored it and continued to smoke and drink. I was SO lucky that my son came out healthy and I carried full term. Of course, I stopped drinking and smoking at once when I suspected I might be pregnant. By then, my bf was out of town so, wasn’t like it was fun to be wild without him…Do I regret being wild?…No. Even though it was a bad choice, I only regret not finding out I was pregnant sooner so I could of stopped sooner. But God gave me a pass. And I’m thankful.

 

So where DID my teenage years go? I don’t know, probably won’t ever know. But, I look forward to entering adulthood with my son and the bright days to come~

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