Am I not surprised?

“I am standing on the edge of returning or just walking away.

I am letting myself look the other way.

And the hardest part in all of this is,

I don’t think I know my way back home.

Is it worth the journey or do I let my heart settle here.”

 

Let’s face it; I’ve screwed up a lot in my life. I don’t have the perfect life. I have very little “perfect” memories of my entire life. I’m trying my best to be happy and grateful for what I already have. I AM grateful. But there’s still that small hole in my heart that keeps bleeding out, no matter how many time I stitch it up.

“How cold have I become,

I didn’t want to lose you by what I’ve done.

Caught in the grey.”

I can’t go back and erase the mistakes I’ve made, I wish I could. But there are too many things I feel too guilty over. I’m still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that my son could possibly have his father in his life. I’ve lost the love of my life, while also gaining what I wanted for my son.

How could I possibly want more?

Talking to my ex, I’ve realized that maybe our relationship was toxic. But I did love him and I still do. I’ll always love him. I will always want him and I don’t care if loneliness kills me. Because some part of me thinks I deserve this.

He’s so happy in his relationship.

While I’m over here, trying to keep this hole from getting bigger. And for that, I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I feel like crap and he’s happy. I’m glad he’s happy, I truly am! But I wish I could go back in time and redo things.

But, things happen for a reason, right?

I’ve tried telling myself that I don’t care. But the truth of the matter is; I care too much.

I should’ve known, I should’ve known I didn’t have a chance.”

All I can do now is focus on me and my son. Try my hardest to suck it all up and focus on such beauty sleeping next to me.

I can’t tell many how I feel. No one would understand, expect for one.

And to top off everything,

my allergies are so bad this year, I feel like someone punched me in the face.

My nose and eyes hurt from all the rubbing I have been doing. And because it’s the only allergy medicine I have with me, I’m left in a foggy daze because it leaves you drowsy.

Great…

Just keep swimming!

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