Have you ever stopped and wondered if God delights in you?
I wonder that all the time. And for the most part, I know he delights in me because we gave me such a precious gift, a gift most don’t have the chance to receive. But just like every other “new” mum, I still have my doubts. My days where I wonder how I’ll get through, days where I wonder if I’m making the right choices for my son.
Truth be told, the future scares me. It scares and excites me!
It scares me because I’ve never, not once, thought I could make it on my own. Or better yet, just make it in this world. Period. This is a big world, WordPress. A big scary world and it frightens me even more now that I have a son. I don’t want to fail him. I don’t want to let him out of my sight, I want to protect him until the day I die. And I will. I guess you can say I have the normal and common fears of being a mother.
The future excites me because I love the idea of being on my own, coming and going when I please. I mean, I can do that now, but what’s the point when I’m still building my savings account? I look forward to watching my son grow up!
But sometimes, I feel like I’m caught in between life. It’s like the purgatory. But instead of heaven and hell, I’m stuck between happy and sadness.
I won’t lie, I still miss my son’s father. I’ll always love him, despite what all he did to me. I’ll admit, there are moments where I wish bad things on him because I’m stuck being a single parent alone and it’s tough. I know God doesn’t like ugly and sometimes, I can be very ugly(so to speak).
The fact that my shop is opening soon, has me a little panicked. I must admit, I’m very nervous about it now. But I’m keeping the faith and I’m going to push through and hope and pray that God will walk beside me.