Untitled love yet once more.

Oh another one bites the dust. Oh why can I not conquer love? And I might have thought that we were one. Wanted to fight this war without weapons. Yeah let’s be clear, I trust no one. You did not break me. I’m still fighting for peace.

They say once a mistake, twice a fool. And I’ve never felt like a fool as I do in this time and moment. Yet again, I fail at love and once again, I don’t think I want anyone else in my life, as far as love interest goes. The only thing I have any interest in doing is crawling under a rock and disappearing for a few weeks on end. But I know that’s simply not a choice. I have too many responsibilities to just lay in the rain and feel the cold drops on my skin, as time slowly slips away.

No, no one broke me. But I simply broke myself. And even though I knew better, I don’t see why I missed the all too familiar road blocks I’d soon approach. Love is a tricky thing. It can honestly make you but it can and possibly will, break you. And how many times will or can you break before you just give up and say enough is enough? Before you start feeling bad for not you, yourself, or for your soul, but for your heart?

Before you want to just erase all your existence from life? No, not suicide wise. But just a break, wise.

hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

But where is your fight song when you need it the most? That song that, even though it hurts to just blink, not only speaks to you, holds you up, but also gives you the strength to move forward past this huge wrecking ball that threatens to smash you into a million pieces, because you were simply blinded by love?

I can tell you, I have many fight songs. But not one that soothes that aching hole, that hole that someone has generously poured salt all into without a care as to how you will clean up their mess. I’m starting to think my heart isn’t a working organ anymore. But simply, a beating thing that beats nothing but salt instead of blood. I’m not sure what the definition of love truly is, for I have never had proof in such said experience.

I give nothing but life support to lose I care for and for some, mostly love wise, they do nothing but pull the plug from my support, leaving me as a fish, fighting for water.. I’m too young to feel like this or to go through something like this. I feel as if cupid breaks his arrows in distraught over me. Either that, or he sucks at his job for finding love for me.

I feel as if there’s this unseen force, stopping me from doing good.

And while one might wonder why, or how someone can just give up on love, on something that they’ve wanted, fought for, craved for…How can someone love something or someone who’s simply too toxic for you and proves to do nothing but hurt you? I’ve fallen victim, fallen fool so many times to love. I’m only 21 and this isn’t how my life was or is supposed to go.

So hear me out, hear my words of confused pain…When I say, I just can’t do love anymore. I don’t want to. I would rather be forever alone, then to be with someone who has proven multiple times, that even when you are their life support, they simply can’t be yours…

Oh dearest love, you haven’t failed me. For I have failed you and I don’t think I want to be burnt again by your burning gold flames.

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