Have you ever wanted something so bad, but knew it wasn’t your time to have it yet or can’t have it yet? I long for this one thing, but in the same breathe, I don’t. This is rather frustrating, if you ask me.
It’s almost September and in these past few months, I have thrown a birthday party for my darling son, I’ve had a wonderful birthday, I, along with other thousands of workers, have been laid off due to shutdowns, and because of that shutdown, I’ve restarted the process of opening my own online shop of crocheted and knitted items.
Along with all of this, yesterday also happened to be the 3rd anniversary of my dear Nana’s passing. I pushed through the day and tried to turn what used to be a sad and dreadful day, into a good and happy day. It’s been three years, and it still hurts.
In my life as a teen, I have learned how to hold in my emotions and basically, shut down in front of others. So while it may seem like I handled her death well and dandy, on the inside, I was falling apart and was doing so at a fast rate. I’m just now starting to heal.
No, this does not mean I have come to accept her death. In fact, I believe I might still be in denial about this all. Even though I saw it all firsthand. I am in fact, still in denial and I’m not sure when I’ll come to accept this empty fact.
But, I’m pushing through…I’m still going on with life, even though with every single passing day, a part of me feels guilty that(as crazy as this will sound) I’m living my life, while her ashes sit in our house, in a vase.
Time heals all wounds, right? Well, I hope time heals mine, because I’ve sure got a lot of wounds that need healing.
My son, Nick, is growing so fast. He’s gone from a newborn to a toddler, what seems like, overnight. I love watching him grow. It’s a wonderful feeling.
Me? I’m excited to have my grand opening of my shop soon! Hopefully it’ll be up and running sometime by Late October. Before Christmas!
As far as Nick’s father, my ex, getting to know his son, that…Is a fail. I guess that’s what you could call it.
He doesn’t check in, doesn’t ask how he’s doing or what new things he’s up to.
But in a way, I’m okay with that. I look at it as, I gave you a chance, you HAD a chance. But if you don’t want to be in his life, I’m not going to question it. I’ll be fine, we’ll be fine.
And for my “love life”, I have my eyes on a new guy. But it’s complicated.
I told him I wasn’t looking for a relationship, only friendships, which he gladly took. He knew I liked him, I knew he liked me. He’s a great guy. But then he went to join the military. And as crazy as this may sound, I have a rule about dating guys in the military. I won’t do it, only because I’ve been a military brat my whole life. Lots of military men in my family so I’m ALWAYS around the military.
I love it! But in the same breath, I’m tired of it. I want my son to grow up in a town, have a stable home(meaning a house he grew up in, not constantly moving).
But here’s my dilemma, I knew this guy BEFORE he joined, I liked him BEFORE he joined. And when he went off to basic training, I found myself waiting for him to come back…Now, does my rule still apply if I knew that person before they joined?
I can’t even answer my own question, I’m stuck!
This may not seem like a hard problem to you, but I don’t want my son to have my life(moving, moving, moving).
Moving is fun, but it gets tiring after a while.
So, this guy isn’t back from training yet. So all I’ll say is if it’s meant to be, it’ll be. But if not, I’ll deal with it.
So at the end of all of this, I shall leave you readers with this;
Follow your heart, not your head, and not your feet. One of them might lead you into a wall and that would hurt LOL.