So, this is what my life has become?

So, I emailed my ex. I came to the conclusion that after everything I did, I did owe him an explanation and to at least give him a chance at fatherhood. I could have handled our relationship a lot better, when I was pregnant. I could have told him how I felt or how he was treating me. We could have worked on it. But instead, I just walked away. And for that, I was in the wrong. So, I emailed him and to be honest, I feel a lot better. I don’t think I could live with myself if I didn’t do it, with my son’s first birthday approaching soon. The guilt was eating me alive and I couldn’t handle it. And the time, he didn’t reply back and I took that as he didn’t want to be in his life. But I got an email replying to the one I sent him. Surprisingly, he was very civil about it and handled it a lot better than I thought he would. He wants to be in his sons life. As for mine, that ship has long sailed and is not coming back. But the fact he wants to be in his sons life, is good enough for me. I can be mature about it. I didn’t get all that I wanted, but I got what was more important to me. And for that, I’m thankful enough.

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Dreams, stress, oh and birthdays?

Oh, we left it all unspoken. Oh, we buried it alive ad now it’s screaming in my head. Oh, I shouldn’t go on hoping. Oh, that you will change your mind and one day we could start again. Well I don’t care if loneliness kills me. I don’t want to love somebody else.”

I’m still being haunted by a turmoil of emotions towards my ex.

No, I have not emailed him.

My son’s birthday is coming up soon, and if I’m going to email him, I’d rather do it BEFORE our sons first birthday. If I don’t, what’s the point in even contacting him?

Oh, right. Because I can’t seem to get him out of my head.

For the past few nights, I’ve been having dreams about him. Last night, I dreamt that we had gotten back together. And he DID come to our son’s birthday party(which was a success), And even though no one else was happy that he was there, I was happy. We were happy. Then I remember him asking me, “Do you still want me?”

I looked at him, shocked he would ask me that, since I thought it was obvious, I replied, “Of course.”

In my dream, he wasn’t his old self. He actually cared, and was sweet.

Which is why I’m still debating on what to do. Maybe he HAS changed, or maybe he CAN change.

But then again, I guess it’s just wishful thinking that we’d get back together and be a happy family, right?

I’m starting a new job, soon. If I do email him, it WILL be before my son’s birthday and it WILL be after I am settled into my new job(I’m a teacher).

It’s not as bad as it was before…I see this physic, almost every night. Not to get readings, but just to talk to her. She’s so sweet and I enjoy her vibe. Get’s my mind off of everything I’m going through.

Last times I talked to her, she told me if I was having doubts about sending the email, not to send it. It’s the universes way of giving me a chance to change my mind or what I desire. And she was right. I didn’t send it. I don’t want to ask her a straight forward question, even though I know what she would tell me would be the truth. But, I want to find out on my own, no matter how much it may hurt me…Then I won’t have to wonder “what IF”.

 

For now, I’m trying my best to focus on work, school, and the fact that my son’s birthday is in a month, ha! I think my head is going to explode.

What would you do?

What would you do if you had a choice to make. A choice that would get you the love of your life back, and cease any and all pain you ever felt, emotionally?

But along with that one choice, it could also destroy you as a human being?

For the past few weeks, I have been tormented and emotionally drained. As well as spiritually drained…Why? Because I am still and will always be head over heels in love with my ex, the father of my son. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about him, miss him, want and crave him. It is literally eating me up inside. But my situation is a lot more difficult than it sounds. I have an email sitting in my draft box, addressed to him and inside of it, explains everything. About our son, how I still love him. But I haven’t sent it just yet. Only because I have all these other people in my ear telling me not to. Telling me that he won’t change, he won’t be a good bf or father. How he’ll go from verbally abusing me to verbally abusing our son…I’ve had tarot readings, physic readings, they’ve all told me the same thing. How I need to break karmic ties with him.

How am I supposed to handle this?! I wouldn’t dare put my son’s safety in harms way, but I also don’t know if what everyone else is telling me is the actual TRUTH. Do I do what I always do and listen to everyone else, do what THEY want me to do? Or, do I do what I FEEL is right and go with my heart? Or maybe my gut? I’m so confused, I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I want to do anymore. I don’t know what my heart is telling me to do. Maybe I do need to cut karmic ties with him? But I don’t want to…

I met him on an online “mingling” site. I call it that because it’s not just for dating. It’s for finding friends, as well…I just thought he was cute, I had no intentions on actually talking to him and having a conversation. But we did, and the rest is history…

I just don’t know what to do. I hope that whatever I do decide to do, is the right choice…

Where did my teenage years go?

I’ll admit, I was that girl who was completely and 100% jealous and envious of those girls who were allowed to go over to sleepovers and go to the beach with their friends. Unlike most girls who get to enjoy being a teenager, I was never allowed to go to the  beach with my friends. Granted, every single summer, they would ask and beg me to come. Lord only knows how bad I wanted to go with them. Yes, you could say that before I got pregnant, I never was able to be an actual teenager. Never really went to the beach, out with friends. Even now, I’m almost 20 and I still can’t take my son on walks by myself, let alone, take him out with me by myself. I’m an adult, but I certainly don’t feel like one. Or like a mother, to be frank. I’m not being selfish, I’m not saying I want to leave my son home and go out and act like a complete idiot and drink and sleep with every guy I see. God, I wish I had enjoyed my teen years. I wish I was ALLOWED to enjoy being a teenager. But, I’m a mother now, so all the fun other teens are having, I’m not having. I’m OKAY with that. I regret I didn’t make the most of being young, but the past is in the past and I can’t do anything about it. Expect to make sure my son and future kids enjoy being young. I don’t want them to ever feel like an outcast or abnormal. I want them to look back when they are old and tell their kids what they used to do. Now, that’s not saying I’m going to allow them to be wild and stupid. Just that I’m not going to be fast at denying them a little innocent fun…

I was bullied, picked on, and singled out pretty much my whole entire life. Even in my teens when I DID have friends. Because I spent most of my time at home, I didn’t know how to act around people. My laugh was obnoxious and laughed. My friends would look at me weird when I laughed, so I stopped laughing. I stopped being ME. And that’s not something I want my kids to ever do.

 

I’m almost 20, and I don’t have out with people, I don’t really have friends. Why? Because it’s better that way. All the friends I do have, live out of state, are hours from me. I’m okay with that, I have two best friends and that’s all I need.

 

I just really regret not breaking out of that box I was shoved in by outsiders, and being my true self. A careless, HAPPY, cheerful teenage girl.

Probably explains why I was always so reckless with my ex-, my son’s father. I finally had that freedom. I stayed out all day and night. I started drinking and smoking(cigarettes, never weed. I don’t do drugs). I didn’t care what anyone thought. Because I spent half of my life trying to please other people, I didn’t really know who I was or what I was becoming. I made the mistake of drinking when I was around 1wk-4wks or 5wks. I didn’t find out I was pregnant until I was 7wls going on 8wks. My periods had been irregular for a few months and when I DID get a period, it was actually implantation bleeding. Which explains why I ignored it and continued to smoke and drink. I was SO lucky that my son came out healthy and I carried full term. Of course, I stopped drinking and smoking at once when I suspected I might be pregnant. By then, my bf was out of town so, wasn’t like it was fun to be wild without him…Do I regret being wild?…No. Even though it was a bad choice, I only regret not finding out I was pregnant sooner so I could of stopped sooner. But God gave me a pass. And I’m thankful.

 

So where DID my teenage years go? I don’t know, probably won’t ever know. But, I look forward to entering adulthood with my son and the bright days to come~

The struggles of being a single parent

I never asked to be a single mother at such a young age…

I had imagined being happy with a big family.

A loving husband and 4 kids running around. I actually almost had it.

I had the loving boyfriend who talked of long term. Talked of marrying me.

You could even say I was engaged in a way.

Never did I imagine raising his son. His beautiful and highly intelligent son.

I’m blessed. Despite how our relationship ended, I’m lucky to have bared his child.

I love my son, and I love parenthood.

I was that girl who always said how I didn’t want kids. Never was going to have them.

I’m 19, going on 20, and I have a beautiful and healthy 10 month old.

Sometimes it just works out that way~

Being a single parent is frustrating, hard, and sometimes, a little maddening.

But I love every minute of it. I wouldn’t change my life for the world!

I’m still going to finish college, I’m going to open my business this summer. It’ll be my birthday gift to myself.

Just because I’m a teen mom, does NOT mean I can’t still live out my dreams and goals.

But yes, I will admit that some nights, I wish I was still with my sons father. Because sometimes, I really would love to look over at my husband and just ask him to watch the baby for a few minutes or to take over so I can go and rest. Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of help at home from my family. But it’s not the same, nor will it ever be the same.

But, who’s complaining? I’m not 🙂

Just proves how strong I am~

How strong my love is.

I do look forward to having more kids in the future. Preferably when I’m around 24 or 25. Rather it is with a sperm bank or with my husband.

I look forward to my future.

xo~

I wish I was a fearless mama

Sometimes, life gets the best of you in ways you can’t explain. And sometimes, it snatches you by the arms and shakes you until you slowly think, ” I just can’t do this”.

It’s one of those nights for me. I know this is completely stupid and I’m probably out of my mind for even allowing this thought to pop into my head, but sometimes I wonder if my son loves me. Or if I make him sick at times…

Crazy, huh? lol He’s only 10 months old(as of today), so he can’t say “I love you, Mommy” just yet. My whole life, I’ve gone on assuming that I’m just a waste of space to some people who know me…

I suffered from severe depression when I was in my first trimester with my son. Thankfully, it passed as soon as I got into my sec tri.

But I’m thinking that maybe I have PP depression. Not the FULL thing, but just a little. Here and there, I have my moments where I doubt myself as a human and more importantly, I doubt myself as a mother.

I am a responsible mother, a great one at that. But I can’t help to wonder, “am I doing something wrong? Am I really good enough?”

I left an emotionally abusive ex…I used to and still do, think that I deserved everything he spewed at me. That is really WAS my fault he and everyone got mad or upset with me…You could say I was brainwashed back then. And I’m just NOW starting to see the truth of what really happened. And this was a year ago.

I just…I hate doubting myself because I’ll never get anywhere in life by doubting myself. I feel like I am not good enough for anyone. Then again; this IS just my hormones talking. I can admit, that no matter how bad or crappy I am feeling, I’m always smiling. Even if I don’t feel like it. I want to be remembered as the girl who always had a smile on her face, even though deep down, she was breaking into millions of pieces.

I don’t know, I’m sure tomorrow night will be better than tonight…

At least, I hope…

x.

Introduction

Hello WordPress,

I’m a young mother to a beautiful boy and a soon to be business owner~

I’m new to wordpress and only here to speak words of motherhood at such a young age and whatever else comes to mind.

Join me as I write and update the world of my life. I’ll try and post at least once a month, if not once a week~  More to come later!

x