Changes

What do you do when you are sure what to label something? Something that’s bothering you in a way that you can’t simply put into words?

When something so small and yet so big, makes you feel so dirty inside but so confused on the outside? When you question your sanity and your own thoughts. Maybe it’s something big that you’re trying to fit into a box that’s too small for it.

Or maybe you are trying to forget everything but know deep down that your thoughts refuse to let go without a fight?

Do you ever just look at the people around you and think you honestly can’t trust them? That everyone around you will either leave you at some point or attempt to attack you in some sort of way, verbally?

Or maybe everyone around yo just makes you feel so dirty both inside and out, without even having to do a single thing.

It’s like a title wave that slowly creeps up and then swallows you whole as fast as it came. Where do you stand then?

There’s so much deep inside that screams to be let out…But for 21 years, I’ve learned to keep everything in. I don’t know how to let anything out.

Mommy has to be strong for her little prince. But sometimes mommy forgets that her prince needs to see that mommy is human, too. Not a robot.

Happy 2016 to everyone out there.

Maybe 2016 will be more of my year and not betray me.

Time will only tell~

Too many blessings to be sad

Life has many ups and downs, along with coaster rides that seem to never end.

I was never the kind of girl who really went to church, read the bible, or even label myself to a certain religion. I simply worship God and Jesus in my own way. In my last post, things were hard. My ex habibi broke up with me(my son’s father) and dropped himself from my sons life. Heartbreaking, but it was my fault for even letting him back into our lives.

I was down, deeper than I have been in over5 or 6 years, maybe. I’d walked into the familiar pain of being hurt and betrayed by the one I loved. I simply love way too hard for my own good. I had also gotten a new job with the examiner and was doing great, but not making enough money to be satisfied with. But then I got an email from a traveling agency, offering me a job with paid training and a wonderful monthly salary.

It didn’t take me very long until I knew exactly what was going on. It was a sign that God heard me. He not only heard my “prayers”, but also my 2yr cry. All the tears I’ve shed, the considerations I’ve had. This new job, to me, is God’s way of saying, “I heard you, I hear you. A blessing is coming!”

I still hurt, I still ache. But I can see, not one, not two, but at least three doors opening ahead of me. The opportunities that are waiting. I’m so close. I’m a single mother who used to work 3 jobs at night until 4am. Now, I can sleep, I can rest. For the first time in 8 years, I am not stressing about Christmas.

I believe this is my season, my moment and time.

I am truly blessed for everything I have and will have.

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Untitled love yet once more.

Oh another one bites the dust. Oh why can I not conquer love? And I might have thought that we were one. Wanted to fight this war without weapons. Yeah let’s be clear, I trust no one. You did not break me. I’m still fighting for peace.

They say once a mistake, twice a fool. And I’ve never felt like a fool as I do in this time and moment. Yet again, I fail at love and once again, I don’t think I want anyone else in my life, as far as love interest goes. The only thing I have any interest in doing is crawling under a rock and disappearing for a few weeks on end. But I know that’s simply not a choice. I have too many responsibilities to just lay in the rain and feel the cold drops on my skin, as time slowly slips away.

No, no one broke me. But I simply broke myself. And even though I knew better, I don’t see why I missed the all too familiar road blocks I’d soon approach. Love is a tricky thing. It can honestly make you but it can and possibly will, break you. And how many times will or can you break before you just give up and say enough is enough? Before you start feeling bad for not you, yourself, or for your soul, but for your heart?

Before you want to just erase all your existence from life? No, not suicide wise. But just a break, wise.

hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

But where is your fight song when you need it the most? That song that, even though it hurts to just blink, not only speaks to you, holds you up, but also gives you the strength to move forward past this huge wrecking ball that threatens to smash you into a million pieces, because you were simply blinded by love?

I can tell you, I have many fight songs. But not one that soothes that aching hole, that hole that someone has generously poured salt all into without a care as to how you will clean up their mess. I’m starting to think my heart isn’t a working organ anymore. But simply, a beating thing that beats nothing but salt instead of blood. I’m not sure what the definition of love truly is, for I have never had proof in such said experience.

I give nothing but life support to lose I care for and for some, mostly love wise, they do nothing but pull the plug from my support, leaving me as a fish, fighting for water.. I’m too young to feel like this or to go through something like this. I feel as if cupid breaks his arrows in distraught over me. Either that, or he sucks at his job for finding love for me.

I feel as if there’s this unseen force, stopping me from doing good.

And while one might wonder why, or how someone can just give up on love, on something that they’ve wanted, fought for, craved for…How can someone love something or someone who’s simply too toxic for you and proves to do nothing but hurt you? I’ve fallen victim, fallen fool so many times to love. I’m only 21 and this isn’t how my life was or is supposed to go.

So hear me out, hear my words of confused pain…When I say, I just can’t do love anymore. I don’t want to. I would rather be forever alone, then to be with someone who has proven multiple times, that even when you are their life support, they simply can’t be yours…

Oh dearest love, you haven’t failed me. For I have failed you and I don’t think I want to be burnt again by your burning gold flames.

Sick Mommy, Shop Delay?

For the past week or so, I have been too sick to work. Putting a big damper in my plans to open my Etsy shop this weekend.
It started out as a common cold, and turned into bronchitis. Which I swear, turned back into a cold. With being too weak to work and too tired, I had to delay the opening of my shop, my shop a lot of people have been looking forward to checking out and ordering from.

Which is sad, because I just recently got $50 worth of yarn and was so eager to get back to work after I got over this cold. My shop will still open this month, hopefully before the end of the month. But until that happens, I’m stuck resting instead of working. Which is okay, I presume. My health is just as important as my shop.

I realized something the other day, my son’s father is an entrepreneur and so am I. Granted, his dad isn’t in his life, I think it’s pretty dandy that both his parents–one of his parents, run a business. I can’t label his father as a parent, because he isn’t mature enough to be in his life. And to be honest, I like it that way. He is nothing more than a mere sperm donor,

I’m eager to get back to work, seeing how the sooner I start, the sooner my shop will be open and running and I’ll be making money. I’m determined to get this shop up and running. It’s been in the works for about a year and a half now.

The only thing that annoys me with this cold is all the coughing I’ve been doing. If this cold doesn’t go away by next week, I’ll be forced to push the opening of my store back yet AGAIN. And I’ll also have to go to the doctor. So since this month is almost over with, I really hope I am, at least, semi better by Tuesday.

With all that being said, I shall leave you with these encouraging words;

“Keep on living, keep on breathing
Even when you don’t believe it
Keep on climbing, keep on reaching
Even when this world can’t see it
No Impossible is nothing

Your future is round the corner so close you can almost taste it
It get worse before its better, that storm you gone have to weather
Either be a busted pipe or a diamond due to this pressure
25 hours 8 days out the week
Focus, keep eyes open victory never sleeps
My prayers for you is that you hit all them goals you trynna reach
I even hope at one point you take it farther then me.” Iggy Azalea–Impossible is nothing.
xx

Does God delight in you?

Have you ever stopped and wondered if God delights in you?

I wonder that all the time. And for the most part, I know he delights in me because we gave me such a precious gift, a gift most don’t have the chance to receive. But just like every other “new” mum, I still have my doubts. My days where I wonder how I’ll get through, days where I wonder if I’m making the right choices for my son.

Truth be told, the future scares me. It scares and excites me!
It scares me because I’ve never, not once, thought I could make it on my own. Or better yet, just make it in this world. Period. This is a big world, WordPress. A big scary world and it frightens me even more now that I have a son. I don’t want to fail him. I don’t want to let him out of my sight, I want to protect him until the day I die. And I will. I guess you can say I have the normal and common fears of being a mother.

The future excites me because I love the idea of being on my own, coming and going when I please. I mean, I can do that now, but what’s the point when I’m still building my savings account? I look forward to watching my son grow up!

But sometimes, I feel like I’m caught in between life. It’s like the purgatory. But instead of heaven and hell, I’m stuck between happy and sadness.

I won’t lie, I still miss my son’s father. I’ll always love him, despite what all he did to me. I’ll admit, there are moments where I wish bad things on him because I’m stuck being a single parent alone and it’s tough. I know God doesn’t like ugly and sometimes, I can be very ugly(so to speak).

The fact that my shop is opening soon, has me a little panicked. I must admit, I’m very nervous about it now. But I’m keeping the faith and I’m going to push through and hope and pray that God will walk beside me.

xx

Updates

I’ve sold to two customers so far and the feedback is just remarkable!

One said she loved them and they were just beautiful, the second one said how she knew it was going to be beautiful, but wasn’t expecting it to be that awesome. Both have confirmed they will be ordering from me again 🙂

I’ve got my business cards and I absolutely love them, my shop opens this month! THIS month! September, 2014! haha

I’m excited to see how my little shop come along. I don’t have many worries, apart from having enough supplies, about my shop. I feel pretty confident and knowing that someone out there is going to stay nice and warm because of what I’m making, well, that just tops the cake!

I won’t let myself get too excited about this. I have a feeling that it might get sucky before it becomes truly successful. But that’s life, nothing is ever handed to you on a silver plate, you’ve got to work for it and work hard!

xxx~

Dreams so close, you can almost feel them?

I’m happy to announce that even though my shop isn’t up and running just yet, I have made my very first custom made order! And I even got paid for it.

My shop won’t be up and running until October, but I’m taking orders now and was more than happy to make an order for a costumer who loved a scarf I previewed on my facebook store page. She ordered two of the same scarves in different colors!

I will admit, the scarf I previewed is a really nice scarf and I, myself, do love it.

I even got my labels in the mail today. Yes, this small little dream or goal is so close, I can feel it. And I can’t, I won’t give up now.

I’m excited and nervous at the same time. But I’m more excited about getting out there and working again.

My goal is to have enough saved up for my son’s second Christmas. There’s a few things on his wishlist that I really want to get him. And I can’t forget about Halloween! Ah! So many Holidays approaching and feels like so little time to get up and running.

I might move my open date up to mid September so I’ll have enough to get everything for everyone on my list.

So many things to do, so little time!

xx.

Update

Have you ever wanted something so bad, but knew it wasn’t your time to have it yet or can’t have it yet? I long for this one thing, but in the same breathe, I don’t. This is rather frustrating, if you ask me.

It’s almost September and in these past few months, I have thrown a birthday party for my darling son, I’ve had a wonderful birthday, I, along with other thousands of workers, have been laid off due to shutdowns, and because of that shutdown, I’ve restarted the process of opening my own online shop of crocheted and knitted items.

Along with all of this, yesterday also happened to be the 3rd anniversary of my dear Nana’s passing. I pushed through the day and tried to turn what used to be a sad and dreadful day, into a good and happy day. It’s been three years, and it still hurts.

In my life as a teen, I have learned how to hold in my emotions and basically, shut down in front of others. So while it may seem like I handled her death well and dandy, on the inside, I was falling apart and was doing so at a fast rate. I’m just now starting to heal.

No, this does not mean I have come to accept her death. In fact, I believe I might still be in denial about this all. Even though I saw it all firsthand. I am in fact, still in denial and I’m not sure when I’ll come to accept this empty fact.

But, I’m pushing through…I’m still going on with life, even though with every single passing day, a part of me feels guilty that(as crazy as this will sound) I’m living my life, while her ashes sit in our house, in a vase.

Time heals all wounds, right? Well, I hope time heals mine, because I’ve sure got a lot of wounds that need healing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My son, Nick, is growing so fast. He’s gone from a newborn to a toddler, what seems like, overnight. I love watching him grow. It’s a wonderful feeling.

Me? I’m excited to have my grand opening of my shop soon! Hopefully it’ll be up and running sometime by Late October. Before Christmas!

As far as Nick’s father, my ex, getting to know his son, that…Is a fail. I guess that’s what you could call it.
He doesn’t check in, doesn’t ask how he’s doing or what new things he’s up to.

But in a way, I’m okay with that. I look at it as, I gave you a chance, you HAD a chance. But if you don’t want to be in his life, I’m not going to question it. I’ll be fine, we’ll be fine.

And for my “love life”, I have my eyes on a new guy. But it’s complicated.

I told him I wasn’t looking for a relationship, only friendships, which he gladly took. He knew I liked him, I knew he liked me. He’s a great guy. But then he went to join the military. And as crazy as this may sound, I have a rule about dating guys in the military. I won’t do it, only because I’ve been a military brat my whole life. Lots of military men in my family so I’m ALWAYS around the military.

I love it! But in the same breath, I’m tired of it. I want my son to grow up in a town, have a stable home(meaning a house he grew up in, not constantly moving).

But here’s my dilemma, I knew this guy BEFORE he joined, I liked him BEFORE he joined. And when he went off to basic training, I found myself waiting for him to come back…Now, does my rule still apply if I knew that person before they joined?

I can’t even answer my own question, I’m stuck!
This may not seem like a hard problem to you, but I don’t want my son to have my life(moving, moving, moving).
Moving is fun, but it gets tiring after a while.

So, this guy isn’t back from training yet. So all I’ll say is if it’s meant to be, it’ll be. But if not, I’ll deal with it.

So at the end of all of this, I shall leave you readers with this;

Follow your heart, not your head, and not your feet. One of them might lead you into a wall and that would hurt LOL.

xxx.

It’s always darkest before the dawn.

Just a short brief update.

A lot has happened within the past few weeks since I last posted. For a short recap, my son’s first birthday was wonderful! His aunt and her bf came down for his birthday party. It was his first time meeting her and he couldn’t stop staring at her. He got loads of gifts and loved every last one of them. I thankfully had enough saved up from my new job for his birthday. No kids came, which really upset me, but all the important people who truly mattered came and I was very pleased with how it all turned out. Soon after that, we(as in my family and I) were supposed to start packing because we are on orders to move. Let’s just say, the whole moving plan isn’t working out too smoothly as we had all hoped. It’s an emotional phase for all of us, and for me because my grandfather is moving from his house and it’s the house my nana passed away in. Some might find this to be weird, but it’s the only way I feel closer to her, so to not have that house in the family anymore, is like my last connection to her is being ripped away right from under me. That is a raw emotion I have to deal with, along with the other stresses in my life. And to top that off, my birthday is coming in a few weeks(24 days, to be exact). And for anyone else, this is a celebration we all look forward to and eagerly await. But, I’m not too excited about it, to be frank. I’m turning a raw age that still hangs in the balance of both lives, and yet, I could care less. The fact that my son was born a month before me, excites me! What a wonderful gift!! 🙂

I am grateful for the job I have, to have a roof over my head, and that my son is healthy and well. I’m grateful for the people who are surrounding me and providing me love and strength to help me push through this rough patch. I really don’t know where I’d be without them all ❤

With all that is going on, I do believe the sun will shine again, very soon for us. I believe God did not bring me this far to leave me now. Even though my faith in Him is slowly fading, I will do my best to trust in him.

Am I not surprised?

“I am standing on the edge of returning or just walking away.

I am letting myself look the other way.

And the hardest part in all of this is,

I don’t think I know my way back home.

Is it worth the journey or do I let my heart settle here.”

 

Let’s face it; I’ve screwed up a lot in my life. I don’t have the perfect life. I have very little “perfect” memories of my entire life. I’m trying my best to be happy and grateful for what I already have. I AM grateful. But there’s still that small hole in my heart that keeps bleeding out, no matter how many time I stitch it up.

“How cold have I become,

I didn’t want to lose you by what I’ve done.

Caught in the grey.”

I can’t go back and erase the mistakes I’ve made, I wish I could. But there are too many things I feel too guilty over. I’m still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that my son could possibly have his father in his life. I’ve lost the love of my life, while also gaining what I wanted for my son.

How could I possibly want more?

Talking to my ex, I’ve realized that maybe our relationship was toxic. But I did love him and I still do. I’ll always love him. I will always want him and I don’t care if loneliness kills me. Because some part of me thinks I deserve this.

He’s so happy in his relationship.

While I’m over here, trying to keep this hole from getting bigger. And for that, I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I feel like crap and he’s happy. I’m glad he’s happy, I truly am! But I wish I could go back in time and redo things.

But, things happen for a reason, right?

I’ve tried telling myself that I don’t care. But the truth of the matter is; I care too much.

I should’ve known, I should’ve known I didn’t have a chance.”

All I can do now is focus on me and my son. Try my hardest to suck it all up and focus on such beauty sleeping next to me.

I can’t tell many how I feel. No one would understand, expect for one.

And to top off everything,

my allergies are so bad this year, I feel like someone punched me in the face.

My nose and eyes hurt from all the rubbing I have been doing. And because it’s the only allergy medicine I have with me, I’m left in a foggy daze because it leaves you drowsy.

Great…

Just keep swimming!